Flaming Sock Puppets

By Cat Weaver

So, I see it like this: it’s a kind of Jack Smith Andy Warhol screen-tests mash-up version of Flaming Creatures.

Oh, so you mean, like Flaming Creatures.

Okay, yeah. But with sock puppets.

Ooooo-kayyyyy.

So we can make them all up in drag and add sexy bits here and there as we like. You know, styled like sock puppet bits might be, with tassels and pom poms and —

No hands.

Well, we have separate arm and leg puppets. And also butt, tit and penis puppets too. They get all mixed up, sort-a Philip Guston pile-on style during the rapey-orgy scenes.

I…don’t… know: sounds problematic. Look: Jack Smith is an LGBTQ icon and —rape? And you’re doing it, not as a tribute or an homage, but — a joke? And you’re not even gay.

Good Christ: they’re sock puppets. They don’t have to be correct. It’ll be adorable.

It won’t be cute when it gets us cancelled.

I’m a nobody. My life is cancelled. And who the hell are you? You ain’t no JK Rowling either —nor was Jack Smith.

Not you saying ‘JK Rowling’ and ‘Jack Smith’ in the same sentence!

c’MON; won’t it be fun? Making drag puppets in sexy outfits with fantastical body parts? Remember the dervish and the Spanish girl and the Marilyn Monroe vampire? What fun!

Jesus! I never realized Jack Smith was so problematic! “Spanish girl?” “Dervish?” All that Ali Baba stuff? So colonialist. So othering. We do that now we get KILLED. ANIHILATED!

But how funny! A pile on of plushie tits and cocks! Wigs flying. Random legs and buttholes emerging…

Not saying it wouldn’t be funny. Just so, SO wrong.

And imagine all the hilarious sock puppety smirches! Is there lipstick that doesn’t come off when you suck cock? My god! We could have felt lipstick coming off as the puppets kiss the mirror!

You’re killing me here. The answer is no.

It opens with an elevator operator. It’s Francis! Get it? And Warhol gets in…

Still No.

When the elevator opens again, Marilyn Monroe steps out over their bodies and straight into a garden of earthly delights.

Where she hides and watches while two creatures dance and lounge about, like smoking and talking about when the babka arrives?

Yeah!

No.

Come ON! One creature chases the other into a huge party being held in an abandoned theater. The guests are all fabulous with feathers and eyelashes and titties and giant cocks and flowing gowns and lots of glitter.

Oh god I hate glitter.

And then rapey orgy — only not-so-rapey maybe?, And then cut to lipstick commercial, and then Marilyn and Francis and Andy in the garden with a whirling dervish — okay, a dancer in a big big skirt.

Yes. And the d-DANCerrrr is thrown off balance when there’s a sudden earthquake.

Yes. And inside the creatures are vibrating and throbbing and then wilting and then falling to into comas.

Okay. Yes, then Marilyn and Francis and Andy come in with the dizzy dancer and they start sucking blood.

Yes, and other stuff. And we do like strings of red and white shooting out from the puppets.

Gross. But, okay. And they all slowly wake up and start going at it again.

Yes! Such fun!

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